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I FEEL

D2
 

WHO AM I? WHAT AM I?

A LETTER TO MY FATHER

I primarily dedicate this letter to him, but also to all those people who feel like I feel. Especially those who sometimes feel loved in a wrong way.
This letter is not dedicated to you, True Self. Nevertheless, I am sending it to you. In time, you will understand the reason why. This letter is addressed to someone very special to me.

First letter

Our Father, my father

From the youngest age, these two concepts were almost the same to me. I felt that you were protecting me and implementing His word. I know you laughed wholeheartedly, up there in your new home, on the day of your funeral. While we were standing by your grave, in the middle of the ceremony, to everyone's surprise (even my own), I raised my hand and shouted, “This is for my father! Farewell from your proud daughter.” I don’t think I was ever more proud to be your daughter. I didn’t plan for this situation to happen. It just did. I felt incredibly proud while they played the song that saw you off to the other side. For a moment, I think I saw you happily dancing to the sound of music. I just raised my hand and opened my mouth to speak. Never before did I feel so proud. Pride washed over me like a tidal wave and I couldn’t contain myself.

I know that I shocked many people, as I usually do. Some saw it as a positive shock, others didn’t. I know you don’t mind, you never did. I didn’t mind at all! One thing was certain – I would forever repeat those words I said there, in the same way and with the same respect.

“People will talk”, you always said and I listened. I always loved and respected you, but I never put all my thoughts of you in writing. I will try now.

You saved me from myself. In most situations, I didn’t like it. Things happened. There were times when I wished I had a more lenient dad, if I could have substituted you for another one. Now, I wouldn’t change you for the world! I always saw you as “His representative”, even when I wanted you to be someone else. I didn’t know if I could live up to your expectations and I thought some other dad would be easier to manage. Someone who would ask less of me. Surely, I could handle them better and things would go my way. No one else in this world could deal with me the way you did. With respect, love and persistence, you repeated your lessons over and over again, until I learned them. Oh, sometimes it was so difficult to listen! Nowadays, it is difficult not to hear your voice. Well, it is impossible to please everyone, you used to say jokingly.

People lie when they say that time helps us forget. Every day, my nostalgia gets worse. There are days when yearning in my heart gets so strong, it feels impossible to endure. As if a big magnet is trying to tear my heart out and smash it! Shatter it! I play those songs you liked and I sing along! It helps! It helps my tears find their way.

Since you are not here to “bother” me with stories from my childhood, I do it myself. I am not sure if I can tell them like you used to, but I will try. You used to say that narrow-minded people should be forgotten, and the great ones remembered and cherished. People like you rare, you are one in a million. This is something you used to tell me, and now I am saying it to you. My life story bears your name written in capitals.

One thing you told me, early on, is that I am different and that there is nothing wrong with that. You warned me that great people can only follow the greats and that I should cherish those who helped me. You also said that I must appreciate those who walk in front of me and light up my path. I did, and I will continue to do so. Most of all, I will appreciate your path. It is my path, too! You outlined it for me!
Your gaze said more than a thousand words. It was always enough for me. Now that you are gone, I have a request. A big one. A giant one. Lend your eyes to someone, so I can enjoy their viewpoint. Oh, to see those eyes once again and to be able to grow. I want it, I want it, I want it! Please, please, please. Can I have this, and that, and… I beseech you, like I used to do.    
 

Oh! Oh! Ha! Ha! I know it was hard to withstand my tender pestering and my stubborness. You used to say that I could do whatever I wanted, so here is my first “holy” wish. It is an important one. You got used to my unusual wishes, I know. I will explain everything later. Not now, it would take up too much time. Cut me some “slack” with this one.
 

I know that you put your trust in me, you always did. I see the signs you put up for me! I follow them. But now I have to answer on your behalf, too. You know that I am talkative, so this won’t be a problem. I will always talk to you, as if you were here, because for me – you still are. You are in my heart and thoughts! Here and now! This will last forever! I understand that the things you refused to give me were much more valuable than the ones you gave me. You knew that all along! Under your watchful eye, I learned how to walk. Literally! I opened my eyes! I succeed! I left my shell! I learned the meaning of “thank you”. I felt unconditional love. Once you feel it, you become eternally addicted to it. You search for that love, over and over again, until you find it or you vanish. Real love equals unconditional love.
I dedicate all my accomplishments to you.  

Hmm, hmm… Ha! Ha! Do you remember…
You used to sit at the table in our small kitchen and read the newspaper. In no time, I would appear at your feet. For your radiant smile, I was ready to do anything. Even take my first steps, without warning. I climbed down from the sofa and came to you, and I was just nine months old. You jumped up from the chair, shouting with joy, realizing I walked instead of crawling. Only you could tell such a seemingly insignificant story with such excitement. Oh, remember that one: “People would ask whose girl you were, and you would say that you were Daddy’s girl. They would ask you who’s hair you got...”

When I was a little girl, you witnessed all my shenanigans with a smile. Later, as I was growing up, we went through different phases. All according to merit. You would forgive me for my shenanigans, but not other things. You taught me the difference between shenanigans and stupidity, you showed me how to live, instead of just surviving. To me, your expectations were very confusing. Other parents wanted their children to be successful, to have all A’s, to become top experts with diplomas from distinguished universities, to fit in, to get married and such.
You just asked me to be myself. Oh, it really confused me! I couldn’t see who I was and who I was supposed to be. “Whatever you do, you do it onto yourself; look in the mirror” and “You should be yourself.” I think that I first heard those words while I was still in Mom’s belly.  
 

“Who am I and what am I supposed to be?” I would ask myself as I laid crying in your bed, all alone. You and Mom used to say that I shouldn’t listen to anyone but myself and that there were strong reasons for it.
It was all good as long as I listened to myself, but things got bad when you found out about it. Especially Mom. You were easier to handle, but only during my earliest days. Afterwards, things changed!
 

My mischief was never-ending. Mom would often have to take me to the doctor. There was not a tree left that I didn’t “fly” from or a ditch that I didn’t try to jump. But none of that annoyed the two of you. Especially you, father.  
 

During my lonely nights, when the two of you were not there, I would stare at the wall, trying to solve problems by myself. Well, not entirely by myself. With help of that wall in front of me. When I come to think of it, that wall was a good helper. It gave me more direction than television did. In those days, we didn’t have a TV set in our little village and I felt blessed. I got all the information from the two of you.
Nobody told me that I was entitled to anything – it was quite the contrary and on the nose. Speaking of which… There is something that I miss – how you used to pull my nose, literally. It wasn’t always completely painless, you know. You could’ve just said “my nose, my pride and joy”. You didn’t have to literally pull it.
I yearned to see further than the end of my nose, just like you asked. But I didn’t know how. I listened, but I couldn’t hear.    
 

I would explore, wander, bounce off of things, tumble, rise, dust myself off and follow my path.
And I will continue to do so. But not the same path.
I will not go down the path of thorns and rubble. It is no longer my path. I denounce it, forever! I know you always wanted to hear that from me. I know that you are picking pink rose petals and paving a new road, just like you always used to do for us. I don’t know how you manage to do it, I never did. But I felt it. And I feel it now.
You used to say that road to heaven is not paved with roses, but thorns, and your words made my heart shudder with worry and fear. I stepped on many thorns. I had my nose in the air and I didn’t watch where I was going. Both you and Mom warned me about it, but…
     
A long time ago, I realized that I have to walk down my path, no matter what it was made of. Sometimes, I wanted to postpone the walk. But the two of you were relentless. “You have to do it. You just have to”, you said. You wouldn’t let me be afraid – for you, “struggle” was my only option. You said that during the war you rescued your relatives and some other people. That story helped me. Well, we will see who wins: who can tell more of those same, old stories. First time I heard your rescue story, I told everyone about it. I showed off in front of my girlfriends, filled with pride, because you were my Dad. In my eyes, no one could hold a candle to you. I still feel that way. I will only outline the story, because you already know the details.

This is what happened: you rushed out of the house into the yard, disregarding fear and danger, while everyone else cowered in the corner. You closed the high gate and literally, saved a couple of families. You told me how scared you were, but you knew that it was your only chance. You had nothing to lose and that feeling was stronger than your fear.

I would often remember this story, while I was tilting at windmills. Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather, action we take in spite of it – this is an old saying that you epitomized perfectly. How, why and where to go: I asked myself numerous times, more than there are hairs on my head. And I have got a lot of those. I asked others for their opinion, although you advised against it. I did it anyway. I didn’t always listen to you and you knew it.
First time I sincerely “heard” you was when you passed away. You warned me about that too, I know. You always knew things. Now you already know what I am about to write. Nevertheless, I will continue. I will write just like you used to talk – on and on.

The shadow of a split plum tree was often my only “conversational partner”. The branches moved on the wall, changing shapes. It seemed like they were talking to me. These strange shadows sometimes seemed sympathetic and other times intimidating. I felt like you planted that plum tree for me, so that I would have someone who would hear my thoughts and complaints. You asked me not to stray from my path, not for anyone, ever. And I didn’t, as hard as it was.

Your words accompanied me everywhere, along with guardian angels that you summoned for my protection, right after I was conceived. They protected me and I felt it, although I couldn’t see them.  For the longest time, I couldn’t see those beautiful, magical energy beings that made a fortress around me. With good reason. I couldn’t really “see” and “hear” you. Or them. Other angels didn’t want to show themselves to me until I realized you are the first among them. I didn’t believe in angels or thought about them. But, just like you said, this world is not based on people’s beliefs, but on hard proof, truth, thought and change.
There were many things I didn’t believe in, but now I do. You asked me to feel life. And I did. I knew I was worthy of you, the moment I finally saw my angels. They manifested around me in all their beauty. They are mine! To each his own. I know it. I feel it. I know it, because you taught me that nothing worth having comes without effort and merit. You were one of the few people that could put their words to action. Since my conception, you knew exactly who and what I was, and what I was meant to do on this planet.
 

You wanted me figure it out all out alone, by myself, and you were unyielding. When it comes to me, the keyword is always “alone”. “Alone, you have to do it all alone.” You know, Dad, no one likes to hear that, not even me. During those long, hard days and sleepless nights, solitude was getting under my skin like silent uneasiness. I wanted things to be different. I wanted to be like others and with others. I didn’t listen to you, and I should have.
“Never justify your actions to others, never lean on anyone.” “Never trust their words, trust their actions.” “No one knows the things you know...” You and Mom always used to say these words to me. “Stay true to yourself, follow your path”, your message was clear. But I didn’t listen. So many times! I should have listened.         

I talked, I wasted words and time on people that didn’t deserve them. I was a good person, in a wrong way. For the longest, I didn’t understand the Legend of Christ that echoed in your and Mom’s words. Many times, I tried to carry other people’s crosses and I paid for it dearly.
During these last several decades, this was your daily lament: “People can’t handle a pure heart. Don’t offer yours on a silver platter to those who don’t deserve it. They will only sin against it. You will easily recognize petty souls. They will crucify you, no matter what you do for them.”
“We all get what we need and what we deserve. If God gave you something, He knows the reason why. Believe in Him and you will be saved.”
“No one should be better than God, not even you.”   

Hmm. Not even me. If only I knew who I was! And what I did wrong. You taught me to be good, not foolish. You wanted to protect me from my “foolish” mind, and I behaved like a smart-ass. My behavior often matched my destiny, as you know.    
 

Thanks to you, my parents, now I know who I am and what I want. I will probably make some mistakes, here and there. Never to other people’s expense, I hope. Only mine, just like you always implored.

I often regarded your lectures like the Holy Scripture. Although I couldn’t understand them, I could feel you.
The two of you often told me about my birth and all the difficulties it brought. You wanted me to know everything, in detail, even the exact minute I was born. For the longest, I couldn’t understand the importance of it. All the details. All of them. You wanted me to hear the truth directly from you, just as it always should have been. It really helped me to understand life and the two of you. You never thought the truth could hurt me. And it didn’t. It is all thanks to you, Dad. I don’t want to belittle Mom’s merit, I am only trying to explain.

I know how much you loved Mom. I am sure you still do. And she should take all the credit for it. She is the one that asked me to respect you more than anyone else in this world. Abiding by her wish and because you deserved it, I listened.
 

Sometimes I need space and time. I need to hit my head against a wall, to clear my thoughts, but I remember everything. To a tee.
 

I asked both of you what my path should be. You didn’t want to say. You told me to find it by myself. This is what made you unique. Both of you thought that the only correct solution was to find the way by myself. Plow through it, if necessary. And I thought, “who do they think I am?” I used to ask myself who was crazier – me or the two of you? Now I know that I am the crazy one. I am crazy. Crazy enough to be what I am. And the credit goes to the two of you. You were “crazy” enough to make me realize all of this.    
You used to say that I could have whatever I wanted, but that I had to be careful what I wished for. I wished for the only thing familiar to me, at that time. First time you told me I could have whatever I wanted, I wished for candy. It was not much of a wish, I admit it. Before long, it came true. But… There is always a “but”! As it usually happens, my wish had some unfortunate side effects.
Nowadays, when I make a wish, I think carefully. Just like you wanted and expected from me.
A lot of things went in one ear and out the other, just like you advised.

I never paid attention to what others were saying – it was more important to see who says it and why. And people like to talk! You know that. You always knew that. “A good horse will make dust rise. You are entitled to your truth only if it doesn’t hurt anyone. The real truth shouldn’t be abandoned, even when it takes you down the path of thorns and rubble. Those who throw stones are not worthy of your time. It is not important what the majority thinks. To be the majority doesn’t mean you are right. The truth is important! There are people who can deal with the truth and those who know the truth – their opinion is most important.”

I allowed people to evaluate me. I will continue to do it. But… Only if they are experts, just like the two of you always advised. I allowed different people to evaluate me, because I didn’t hear your voice. I didn’t trust you. Your love was never blind and I am forever thankful for it. Nothing could blind you. And it never did. Neither love nor hate.

Only those with a pure heart can do what they want. “Only a pure heart can open the gates of Heaven.” You supported me, even when I was too small to reach the doorknob. I thought Heaven was right next to our village. Or somewhere near. But I wasn’t drawn to it. I was too scared of the path paved with thorns and rubble. You always had my back and you pushed me forward. I was very good at putting up a fight, just like you were very good at being persistent.
  
You never saw my age as a “mitigating” circumstance. “You don’t have much choice, it is what it is, life won’t offer you mitigating circumstances. The sooner you understand this, the better.” These words echoed in my ears like an old street organ, out of tune. I tried hard. Mostly because of you – I wanted you to love and respect me. I wanted to fill your eyes with pride.
I never wanted to disappoint Mom, and this was the only way to achieve it. The relationship between you and me filled her with pride, never with jealousy.

You always told me to do things differently – my way. And I did.
I did things backwards, as I always do. First, I wanted to get to know myself. Somewhere at the bottom of my soul, I felt I was wrong. That I was doing something wrong. These words often echoed in my head: “It is not important what other people see, but what He sees.” You wouldn’t allow me to associate your words with any religion. And I didn’t. You had all these different names for the Creator. You were very good at making up nick names, I inherited that from the two of you. I couldn’t understand all the wise words you conveyed, and I thought I was the problem. My heart and my mind went berserk. As if lightning and thunder were inside of me. I had many different nick names, I ate dirt from old grandma’s house, I ran barefoot through mud, I splashed in puddles, and yet, you talked to me like I was no less than Nikola Tesla.   

My greatest success, in those days, was to get some candy out of you. It was not a difficult task. Your words were “Greek” to me. “A smart man is always thankful, a fool is always a fool” – this was a definition of madness you used to utter daily. You wanted me to use this concept to evaluate people. I failed, and it often made me look stupid. “How is it possible that I am the only one that doesn’t get it?” I wondered. You drove me crazy with your expectations. I never thought that other people were clueless too, and that they didn’t live by your words. Sometimes, I felt that things were not right, but I couldn’t put my finger to it. A child’s logic is straight and naive and I have to admit that sometimes – but only sometimes – I thought that I was not too smart. I still couldn’t read and you expected me to understand words of the wise. Not only to understand them, but to live by them! Nowadays, these things make me laugh. It wasn’t so funny before.

You baffled me with your immense joy and “strange” expectations, to say the least. The two of you were very good at connecting cause and effect. “You are not listening. Very well, you will understand it when the time comes. Experience is the best teacher.” That was the way cookie crumbled. You, father, always saw things according to their merit. Just like He does. Mom was even tougher. The two of you always reciprocated with courage and dignity.

Your eyes spoke, father. No other eyes could speak like yours. I didn’t like your gaze that said: “Enough! Get a grip. I can’t stand your moaning. I don’t want to look at you. Go. Move. You are of age. You think that you are smarter than I am? Prove it! I can’t stand arrogance!” I admit, I was not smarter. I was more arrogant. It was what it was. However, I hope to leave arrogance in the past. I will try. You always said: “Hope must never die. Don’t give people false hopes.” I won’t.

Thank you for teaching me how to be worthy of someone’s respect. Thank you for teaching me everything. Everything I am and everything I have, I dedicate to you and Mom. You made me learn from the mistakes of others, even yours. You never spared yourselves. No. You only spared others. You used to tell me that people took advantage of your goodness. I was never able to hear what you were trying to say.
You taught me that it was not important whose side people take. God and truth were the only sides that mattered. You asked me never to rely on anyone. Not ever. And to never put my trust in people. You wanted me to rely on myself and the One above. Now I understand why. I learned the hard way. Quite the opposite from what you wanted me to do.
 

You knew everything, all along. For the longest time, I couldn’t comprehend it, but it was so. Your interpretation of things surpassed the limits of the known and it confused me. You knew everything, and I couldn’t hear you, no matter how loud you shouted. But I heard you eventually, with some “distance”, when I felt the consequences of my mistakes. You burned my tiny fingers, but with respect and according to merit. I “paid” for not trusting you. It is hard to know who to trust and what to put your faith into, you always said.

I wanted to be like others, but the two of you wouldn’t let me. “Don’t be a sheep, don’t go with the herd, you are not meant to do it”, you always said. In spite of your words, I tried and tried to be what I am not, for years. I was looking for support and the two of you pulled back. There were many times when you didn’t want to support me, and now I know why. I was not following the right path. “Live life right and by merit, there is no other way.” You put your words to practice, no matter if your children liked it or not. The moment I would stray from the right path, you withheld your love and respect. It hurt me more than anything to see that in your eyes.

When you were silent, I heard you the clearest. In spite of everything, I have to admit I heard you best once you left this world. Now, when you can’t repeat the same old stories, I tell them to myself. “We never understand the value of people until we lose them”. Again, your words.

I remember, it was Mom’s birthday, and the two of you left the house because you didn’t want to be around to answer the phone. It breaks my heart just to remember this. You didn’t want to hear the hypocritical good wishes, so you left the house. This situation made me feel like I had a million needles under my skin. It was awful. For days, I felt embarrassed. I held my head high, but I was dying on the inside, fraught with shame. I was ashamed of myself.
This is the lesson you always wanted me to understand. Not to bend over backwards, but to learn.

Who am I to judge the two of you, I asked myself. You pointed out, loud and clear, that one shouldn’t judge other people. Especially without knowing all the important facts. This situation made me “spit” in my own face. You always advised us to do things this way. You wanted us to realize our mistakes. Thanks to you, I made an effort. You didn’t expect us to be impeccable, but to learn from our mistakes. You taught me how to “spit” in my face and deny others the pleasure of doing it. You told me that blind can’t lead the blind, but I didn’t hear you. It took me a long time to understand that your guidance came from the place of love. Enormous love. True love.  
 

I didn’t forget the promise I made you, Dad. You told me that forgetting a promise is a great sin. You used to say: “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.” Remember the promise I gave you, while you were looking at me with sadness in your eyes? My heart tricked my reason. Remember? I just recently realized all the consequences of that promise. You warned me about it. In a second, words came flying out of my mouth, like many times before, and I wondered if I could fulfill my promise. As usual, I needed time to figure out the way to do it. Your words helped me: “Patience will save you”. Patience was never my forte, but I decided to be patient for your sake.    

You were sitting in my dining room, desperately pulling your hair in the moment of weakness. I was watching you and my heart was falling apart, powerless and sad. I promised you that I would do absolutely everything within my power. And I will. Absolutely everything!
The moment has come for me to see how powerful I really am. Again, truth and challenge. Not an “or” but an “and”.

I will open up my heart to everyone and show them whose daughter I really am. This was your real intention, I know. I felt it long ago, so long ago. I could feel it in you, when you held me in your arms, looking at me with great love, as if you were holding the entire world. I looked at you the same way. You knew that I was ready to do anything just to gain your trust, and you used it intelligently. You asked so much of me, but at the same time, you gave me even more. There were times when I didn’t understand this. Now I understand.

I miss you! I miss you just as much as you used to annoy me. Just as much. I sincerely admit it! That is exactly what you always asked of me – to be sincere. I will be sincere. For you, my parents, I will do everything, even this. Just like you used to say to me – all according to merit.

You were so happy when I was born, and your happiness was fascinating because you felt it in spite of all your life’s hardships. Angels heard your wishes and worked hard to fulfill them. Angels love other angels. A pure heart can open all doors. You proved it. Your prayers were answered.
I didn’t believe in angels before. I couldn’t see them, and for me, that was crucial. I denied their existence, moreover, it was all kind of silly to me. If someone told me two months ago what I know now, I would have said they were crazy. Again. A taste of my own medicine. Oh, I will get a taste of it, surely, but it is what it is. Now I can even see them. They are playful. Beautiful. Colorful. Purple,  magenta, green, golden, white, lilac color, pink, blue, in all colors of the rainbow, turquoise, dark blue, light blue… All in all, wonderful. And their shapes? Oh, there are so many of them. All different kinds. I feel that they made a fortress around me. They are everywhere and they can really get away with anything. Drawing from my experience, as I usually do, I made a summary. Now that I have a different opinion about them, I am rethinking my past. Amazing things came to mind.       

There were a couple of instances when something saved my life at the last moment, and now I know what it was. Do you remember that one occasion? The weather was scorching hot. Some people said that the best way to cool off was to get wet. So I said, why not? It all went down in a split second. I remember it all clearly. I was really something else! As soon as an idea would get inside my head, I would act upon it. I had it all figured out. I was always quick. One leg was in the bucket and the other on the water well wall. Water from the well was my only option to cool off. What was I thinking! But then, the angels stepped in. Something pulled me back. Threw me off. Instead of stepping with both legs in the bucket, I flew to the other side and fell on my back. Unbelievable, the ideas I had!
 

There was another instance – we were stealing gasoline from my uncle’s motor, trying to set fires. I was never skillful with my hands. I spilled gasoline all over me and wanted to light up a match. With the same hand that was dripping with gasoline! The angels managed to get the matches wet and my Mom broke a flogging rod on my back. After my shenanigans, you would say: “What were you thinking, my daughter?” and I was dying of shame.
 

The angels managed to “navigate” my landing when I fell of the cherry tree where we used to play. I didn’t break my neck, “just” both arms. Again, I heard those words: “My daughter, my daughter.”

In your age, as old people usually do, you used to repeat the same old stories. It seemed like you relived them over and over again. It looks like I am walking in your footsteps.
You gave so much and asked for so little.

You welcomed us, your children, with a pure heart. It is such a rare case, when it comes to men. You strolled through our small, traditional village, with three daughters under your arm, you Great man. Oh, how I loved to brag to other children: “This is my Dad.” You considered all of us a gift. In your gaze, I saw pride without any trace of burden or disappointment. There were only a few men in this world that really wanted their third child to be a daughter, and you wanted me more than anything. I remember how you used to carry me on your shoulders. You used to wave my hands like they were wings. You would throw me high into the air but I wasn’t afraid. I would squeal with joy. I have to admit one thing, after all that happened – the only one I trusted more than you was God himself. I respected and loved you equally. You, on the other hand, had a different view.   

It was a gift, but it took me a while to realize its value. It is hard to recognize something we can’t see, right then and there. Here and now. Only the greats can recognize a gift without its ribbons and bows, and I wasn’t always one of the greats. Sometimes, I felt small, but you never let me stay that way, not even when I was too little too see above the counter of our village shop.  
 

It seems that I should have, at least, believed in you as much as I did in the One above. The great ones love to keep each other’s company – that is why I am certain you are with Him. And I am at peace. At complete peace! Your worldly suffering is over. I know where you are, what your thoughts are and what you are doing! You always communicated with me through your actions, and now I will reciprocate.
You are smiling! You are satisfied! I feel your pride from the other side! You are jumping with joy. You are boasting. Your chest is rising with pride, just like it always did. It is all justified. You earned it and it is okay.   
 

We should be proud, if we have a reason for pride. Some people will like that, some won’t – this is what you always used to say. I know, I know. I can hear you: “Didn’t I tell you that a pure heart is the key that opens all doors?” Yes, you did, at least a million times. You made me leave my shell, my own skin. That was your plan all along. Again, you didn’t spare me at all.
Thank you for your teaching methods, but I had enough. I decided to change them. Ha, ha, ha! I don’t like them any more. I am letting go. You taught me to say “enough is enough”. Enough! I had enough! I am turning the page. When you were here on Earth, you used to be so loud. I think that my confession will burst all the eardrums in Heaven. Your enormous joy might cause thunders here on Earth.

You told me numerous times that with my help, we will live forever. And we will. But with the help of both of us. I am your “delegate” here on Earth. The things you taught me I pass on to my children. All your stories are now my stories! We are one. Yes, you told me everything. You conveyed everything from the bottom of your heart. You gave me all your wisdom. You were an example to all of us. Your wisdom didn’t stem from books or other people. That is why it is enormously powerful. It stemmed from your feelings!

You told me everything a child should hear from its father! You used to “kill” me with your expectations and huge faith – or should I say, you confused me. But not anymore. We are one being that has same thoughts, desires and actions. We all do our job. You do yours from the other side, I do mine here. Stand up for me, over there, and I will stand up for you here. I had enough of bad connections, I want to be connected. A REAL CONNECTION, WITH ALL OF YOU UP ABOVE. I mean it. I am crossing my arms and taking a stand! Just like I used to. It is time to show everyone that I am not alone. That you and the rest of the “crew” are with me. It is time to show my cards. You used to say that when time comes, we all have to pull out our strong cards. To show them. I tried to hide them, in every way possible, but the two of you wouldn’t let me. Not just the two of you – everyone else too. People took away all my aces and literally made me “phone a friend”. As usual, you were the first one I called.
 

They told me that some things are impossible to do. Imagine that! Someone told me, your daughter, that things are impossible. If they had known you, they wouldn’t have said that. You know very well that I take “no” as a challenge. I must act upon it.
The gauntlet is thrown down. You threw it, but I have to pick it up, as usual.
You got what you asked for. You woke up my inner spite, a typical feeling for people from Dalmatia. Blood is thicker than water.

You told me that a pure heart is the best guarantee. You promised that it was true! “Prove yourself to others, not just me.” I never doubted your words and I never will! I want a constant connection with you! I will write you, endlessly. Some letters will be long, other just a note to say “hello”, “I know you are here” or “let us talk”. Depending on how I feel at that moment. I carry you inside me, but I also want you to be all around me.

You didn’t want me to be jealous. And I wasn’t. I am sure there are many children in this world who would consider you their “dream father” and I want to “share” you with them. You could show them the way, just like you showed me. I want to feel proud of you, just like you used to feel proud of me. I will do it, yes, I will. I will boast while talking about you. I will take a stand, like I used to, raise my head, cross my arms and say: “My Dad told me this. It is what it is, end of discussion.”
The two of you can believe me or not. But don’t do it for my sake. Do as you please. You told me I can do it, if it is justified. It is. I want to boast. And I will!
I will do many different things! I will tell you all about it and you “behave and be good”, just like you used to tell me.

I will write to you, a lot and often, and if you feel the need to talk to me, do it. Do it when you sense that I need you. Just like you always used to do. Who would say that I would miss your “thunder”? I will proudly say to everyone: “My Dad is stronger! He is not with us, but when he gets here and his sky blue eyes flash, you will get yours!”

I want to thank you so much for giving me the power to understand and the energy to persevere! I know that you always protected me, but I admit it – only now do I feel completely protected. Secure. I am safe from myself and others. The two of you always expected your children to show gratitude and respect. Only these two things. I didn’t understand what you really wanted from me and, more importantly, I didn’t understand why you wanted it. And I used to get angry. Not a lot. But a bit. Like humans do. You understood people and my anger. It took me long to pick up all the threads. It was easier to understand you when I became a mother. With the help of my children, I learned a lot about you and me.  

You were ready to make a sacrifice, in order for us to understand the meaning of “thank you”. It is the greatest gift a parent can give to their child. Thank you. Thank you again, for all eternity. You taught me the meaning of “thank you”, even when things got rough. You believed that we could understand everything and that meant a lot to me.
 

This letter is drenched with tears but not with tears of sorrow. I know you couldn’t stand tears in my eyes. These are tears of pride and nostalgia. I have to admit, I cried a lot since you left this world. I was proud and happy to have you as a Dad – it was a privilege.

I know you never worried too much so there is no reason for me to ask you to be carefree. You always believed in me. You never burdened me with your fears and mistrust. Only when I got my own children, I realized the difficulty of this task.   
 

Now that you are forever gone, I put my trust in you, just like you did with me.
Endless trust.

Thank you, my blessed father, for sending me your prayers and guardian angels that protect me, follow me and keep me from harm. They keep me safe from everything. Most of all – my “crazy” mind. You knew how to light up my path, like no other. “Things always work out. And they always will. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you. Our great God sees everything, have no fear. Believe in yourself and God and no one will be able to touch you.”
No. I will not beg for your forgiveness. Not because I am conceited and arrogant like I used to be, but because I know that you never held anything against me. Like no other person in this world, you knew that my mistakes and sins were never underlined with bad intentions. They were an outcome of my lack of knowledge and patience.
You respected that. You were a great man, in more ways than one. Even your stature was great. You took on yourself a part of my burden. You walked a part of my path – or, to put it better – you carried me on your back.

My holy father, who are in Heaven, I am sure that the Kingdom of God is at your disposal, just like you were always at my disposal. No matter how old I was. Forever. The answer to your question, “whose daughter are you” will always remain the same – I am my father’s daughter! I am my father’s daughter and I love him very much.

This doesn’t mean that I don’t love Mom, too. I love both of you equally. I will do the impossible for her, if the situation requires – you know that very well. She is the one who connected us! Her pride was handed down to me. Since I was born, her words were always the same – she told me I was your girl. She used to say that a million times.
She was not jealous, but proud. That woman loved and respected you, just like I did. She was proud and joyful too see the way we felt happy in each other’s company. Hmm… Memories and images are going through my mind.  

Now that you are gone, everything looks different. Food lost its taste, flowers lost their smell. Chocolate doesn’t taste so good anymore. Mom stopped calling you hers or mine, but I know that she still loves you with the same intensity. Just like I do. You are aware of all this, and it is the only thing that matters.

You used to make me angry, you irritated me like crazy, you pushed me away. But it doesn’t matter. I did the same to you. Now, I am putting a stop to it. We will always be together, exactly how you wanted. Just like I did when I was a little girl, I am looking at you with great expectations. And I am waiting. As I am growing, my expectations grow too. And as you can see, my wishes keep getting bigger as days go by. In the old days, I just wanted chocolate, a lot of it, and now my wishes are different. I am patiently waiting for you to lift me up on your broad shoulders, like you used to, and take me away. Just like you used to.

Do you remember how you used to leave home? We walked for a long time. We were by your side. You walked beside us, with a heavy heart and a big suitcase in your hand. Like a little bee, I buzzed around you, around your legs. “Daddy, listen to this… Daddy, listen to that!” Suddenly, I stood in front of you, extending my arms towards you. I think I was six. “Daddy, this street is winding and long, I can’t see where it ends. Can you carry me for a bit?”

Remember it, my father. Remember it and carry me again, just like you used to.

As I was praying and crying at your death bed, I gave you a solemn promise and I will keep it, just like I do with all my promises. I will never bow my head before anyone – you asked me not to do that. You were the only one that experienced that privilege. Your embrace was beyond comparison, and no one else had such a great Dad! Oh, I really like to show off!

Enough with all this talking, let us get to work! There, again – your words channel through me.

I still see you in the same way. I see myself standing in front of this big man and I feel tiny and small, but completely protected. Always humble but never humbled. No one in this world could talk so sweetly to me. No one! You always had a sweet nickname for me.

Here, I say farewell; “your dearest Sunshine”, “your Daughter”, “our Love”, “Daddy’s eye”, “Daddy’s brow”, “Daddy’s chin”, “Daddy’s hair”, “Daddy’s pride”, “your Everything”, “your Answered prayer”, “Your”, “Safe harbor”… And the final one – your favorite one – “the Mother”!
This one was your favorite, but it didn’t always sit well with me. It didn’t find it so special – rather, I found it confusing. I was just a little girl! The respect and love we feel for our parents make us their children. “The child of God”, like you used to say! I believe this nickname made me feel different. I know whose child I am!

I am re-sending the message you sent me. Together we are stronger. I believe in you! I believe in myself! I believe in us!

I never slacked in school, I was a good student. I learned from the best teachers in the word. You knew when to compliment, inspire, love me and everything else!
I am looking forward to your reply, let it be as quick as a wink!
I believe, I feel and I know that I can do anything, as long as you are by my side. It was always true and it will always be true.
 

P. S. I will write to you soon. I am not sure when, because I am in the middle of a big “cleanup”, but it will be soon.

P. P. S. Again… I will love you forever. Thank you very much. Here is a promise: there will be no more room in my life for the people that you used to warn me about.
 

O. TS. G.

I believe in God that created all things – abortion too. Here is why.
A person who believes in God doesn't offend others and doesn't judge them. God's teachings
are respect, love and tolerance and "Our Father" talks about forgiveness, not lynch. God gave
us free will and a feeling of responsibility for our actions. Only those who truly believe in
God, believe in everything He created, and trust that He created it for a reason. He is strong
and omnipotent – if He was against abortion, He would obliterate it Himself. He wouldn't
need a man to do it for Him, not even Mrs. Markić. The number of abortions wouldn't
plummet – on the contrary, the number of women who die during the procedure would rise.
The hospitals would continue to do it under the radar. Religious fanaticism sows hate on a
daily basis, in the name of their God. The other name for God is not hate but love.

When I look around and see lists of political candidates, I get an urge to apply for a job as a
dentist. I hear the money is good. Do I have the necessary qualifications or some medical
experience? Of course I don't.
People claim that it is not that easy to be a dentist, so I don't think I will become one anytime
soon. Well... Some say that I am a bit "crazy" and they wonder how I get these ideas to pull
out teeth without any knowledge and experience. My answer is this – there are many
politicians who run our states and many businessmen who run their businesses without any
knowledge and experience. So my question is – why would I be any different?
One needs to have at least some experience and qualifications. Why don't I try painting, I ask
myself sometimes. Picasso's paintings are quite expensive and I could make a lot of money.
Sadly, nothing would come out of it – no one seems to recognize my talent. I know! I want to
be an opera singer. Well, I can't sing and I am tone deaf. Nevertheless, maybe I could find
someone who would listen to me squeal. It seems that I won't make any money off of any of
this. I will never be a seamstress because one needs to have skillful hands and I am not really
good at it. What can I do? No one wants me. People want some proof of skill. And then I say
to myself, "Well, I could try and become a politician or a business woman, anyone can do
that! I don't need any experience, ability or prior knowledge to do it. Any idiot can do it, so
why can't I?" Of course, I am not being serious, but here are some of my thoughts on the
subject.
EU funds could help me build a big opera house. Of course, I would be a prima donna. My
success would be guaranteed. Talent is unimportant and I got plenty of willpower.
How can we tell a person, in a nice way, that they are not fit for something? It is difficult. We
all like to be praised and we are very vulnerable when it comes to critique. If we get easily
offended by it, it usually indicates that we have a big problem that we won't admit to. If
someone tells me that I wouldn't make a good prima donna, I believe their estimate is quite
good. I am not a prima donna and I don't want to be one. To be a good person and to be good
at what you do are two different things. We all have our set of skills and forte, and then there
are things we just can't do. A critique that offends our feelings, in most cases, proves to be
justified.
How can we judge ourselves? It is the hardest thing to do, but nevertheless, it is possible. The
only company we have to forever keep is our own. Imagine, we are not able to recognize and
acknowledge our own emotions, and yet, they guide our judgments. Here are some lines from
Sergei Yesenin's poem, "If you touch the passions in man, that, of course, truth cannot be
found." Poets know this well, we all know it well. Only, we recognize it in others, never
ourselves.
How often do we admit that we are judging others guided by our emotions instead of reason?
Who is willing to admit they are jealous? Whether we want to admit it or not, we all get
jealous – the only difference is, in what way? Jealousy stems from the core of human
character. It is crucial to understand whether our jealousy is constructive or destructive.

Are we willing to admit that there are people who are more competent or more apt, in any
area of life? Are they just "more lucky"? Do they have God as their uncle or maybe, they are
thieves, while we are wretched, unfortunate but decent, and unlike them, we still have our
conscience that enables us to sleep at night. Our good night's sleep is not the consequence of
our clear conscience but ignorance and lack of self-criticism.
Life can seem like a wild river. The water carries us and crashes us on the rocks. It shows us
the way, by its own example. It doesn't count old scars or makes new ones – it just flows, on
and on. Life can seem like a clear mountain lake that mirrors our entire self. It can, but it
doesn't have to. It can seem like muddy, stale water that spreads smell and rot. Again, it can,
but it doesn't have to.
Muddy water always has to be purified – if anything, to prevent it from polluting the
environment. How can we do that? There are many ways, but that is a whole different topic.
Every time great energy rises, it muddies up the water and scum of the earth crops up. I
already mentioned this. These are not some wise words I thought of on my own. It is a well-
known sociological phenomenon.
One of our life goals is to transform a muddy puddle into a beautiful, clear mountain lake that
will reflect our true nature.